“How you doing baby girl?,” he says. My back is to him as I sit on the train, minding my own business. I smell his burning cigarette, even though smoking is strictly prohibited. Both my lungs and my mind are irritated. And I’m confused. My hair is covered by a knit cap. I’m seated. I’m wearing an oversized pullover, sweatpants, and a face mask. My back is to the man with only my knit cap peaking above the seatback. What is it that he noticed that signaled not only “woman”, but “woman I should try to approach”?
Just like that day, I often very intentionally wear oversized clothes. I have scrutinized my outfits in in front of the mirror hoping I’ve done enough to hide my femininity. I was hoping that the baggy sweatpants, sweatshirts and clothing, from the men’s section were enough to avoid harassment and feel safe. But covering from head to toe, even my smile, wasn’t enough.
I have written before about the ways clothes can be used control other people’s perceptions. In this case, I guess I am more so manipulating my own. I am using clothing to convince myself that I will be safe. I make myself comfortable by telling myself that this matters, that people will behave and act appropriately because of my clothing choice. I could recognize that it isn’t true, that people who are dangerous or even mildly cringey would choose do so regardless of how I was dressed. But to admit that would be to admit that I have no control and feel powerless.
To learn more about other ways women dress to avoid harassment, you can read about the phenomenon of Tube Outfits in the UK here and Subway Shirts in New York here.
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