A Wren Says

“Hey, do you have any resolutions for this year?” “Yes, I plan to be more vain.”

There were two responses to my answer. The first was questioning all the time I’d be spending in the mirror. The other was thoughts of all the makeup and fashion that would be entering my life. My real reasoning is a little different. And yes, this really is my resolution, to be more vain.

• From Merriam-Webster: Vain: having or showing undue or excessive pride in one’s appearance or achievements: conceited
  • Conceited: having or showing an excessively high opinion of oneself

I have noticed that I have a habit of downplaying my successes. My degrees aren’t that big a deal. My achievements mean nothing when compared to others. My intelligence mid. And my beauty nonexistent. I often feel the temptation to hide. But what if I became the opposite? What if I thought I should be treasured, that I was the best person for the job, that of course others would want to stare at me? What if I thought the best of myself?

My goal is to create a new inner soundtrack. I want to replace that running track that causes me to doubt myself at all times. I’ll tell myself, “Yes, that’s a good decision. No one has ever made a better decision,” when I want to worry and second guess my choices. And when I’m getting self-conscious when others are looking at me, I’ll say, “Girl you look good. I’d look, too.”  I’m going to pause to rewrite the script and speak to myself the way I think someone who was truly vain might do.

Just today, I had a chance to practice. I went out on a walk, with a face covered in a mineral sunscreen. I got back to my car, looked in the mirror and noticed how purple my face looked. My first instinct was embarrassment, to shrink into what all those people I passed might have thought of me. And then came the reframe:

It’s so obvious I take care of my skin and protect it from the sun. That’s what it takes to look this good.

Leaning into vanity this year might mean that I buy more clothes or wear more makeup, and yes perhaps stare at myself in the mirror. But those actions are not the goal. I am seeking a mindset shift that leads me to becoming who I was truly meant to be and valuing all of me. And if that makes me vain, so be it.  

Daily writing prompt

What is one thing you would change about yourself?

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