My anxiety increases each time I see the clutter. I know that I need to do a deep clean, but I keep putting it off. I pushed back doing a closet cleanout until I completed a fitness challenge. Then, I never completed it. I put off getting rid of the old school work because I would need the refresh for my stellar job that I definitely would get within my field. Still waiting for that job and still keeping those illegible notebooks. And then there are the odds and ends for crafts that were never even imagined.
This is a key reflection moment in my life. As my family goes through the items left behind by a loved one, I started to think of my own future passing. What sort of struggle would they go through as they had to sort through my things? How long would it take them to work through my mountain of old papers? How would they feel seeing clothes with tags still on that I never felt I quite deserved to wear?
I am working through what I have held on to without need. I want to let go of those things. It’s hard. It feels like I’m throwing out memories. As much as I want to be more organized, I have a fear of forgetting every experience those items are attached to. But I suppose what I’m really doing is handcuffing myself to them, instead of letting the truly significant stories remain and instead of having the literal space to create new moments of joy.
This is, I suppose, a very physical example of my inability to let go, though the need to do so is so strong. As much as I would like to have a enviably beautiful home by tomorrow, I know that it will take time. Or rather, I choose to take more time. My goal is not perfection today. My goal is for a system that works for me for years to come.
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A Wren Says 