A Wren Says

I am constantly guilty of this: I don’t tell people, “No,” nearly as often as I should. I don’t say what I really want to for fear of what someone else will think. I don’t tell them what I actually want or feel. I agree to do things I don’t really want to do, because I think I have to, just to keep up appearances. But it doesn’t stop there. Sometimes I will go off and tell someone else the truth, about how I didn’t want to do that thing and how annoyed I am because I have to do what I don’t want to do. And then another person, and then another, beginning a trail of griping and complaining. Because why solve a problem from jump when you can just whine about not getting your way? For one, because that approach never gets me the results I want.

Let’s play with an example. Let’s say your friend asks you take him to the airport. In truth, you don’t want to at all. You have a fear of driving in congested areas and of planes, but you’re afraid that he will be mad at you for refusing. You agree to do this for him. You are on the verge of a panic attack the entire time. You’re frustrated and resent your friend for even asking you to do this.

Option 2: You say no. You say, “No, I won’t be able to do that for you. Can you find another solution?”

And then the saga ends. Maybe your friend does gripe at you. Maybe they are irritated, but now some things are established. 1. You can rest easy instead of putting yourself under unnecessary stress, while you’re still trying to get over your phobias. 2. You are asserting your boundaries, and people know it. 3. Your friend’s response is going to give you some information to reevaluate your friendship.

I saw a video once where Jordan Peterson suggested it would be better to just be honest at all times, no matter what, because only then would you get the result you really want. When we say, “No,” when we mean to say it, we protect our own energy, assert boundaries, and allow people to get to know the real us. When you agree to things instead of just saying no, you’re are essentially creating a false image of yourself. How can people know you, when you are not honest about what you really want?

Sometimes (most times) you just need say what you really think. Especially when that’s no.