A Wren Says

In the beginning of 2022, I watched luxury fashion YouTuber Caitlyn Pawlowski’s video about the habits she’s dropping in 2022. One of them was working to become a version of herself that made sense to everyone but her. I originally watched the video and agreed, “Yeah, I’m dropping that too.” Spoiler, I have not dropped that habit yet, now three months after that initial moment.

I am still very much focused on what other people think. If I can figure out what they think, I can figure out how they think, and then I can figure out how I need to act in order to get them to think highly of me. What a foolish way to live my life.

My family has a particular version of me they want me to be. My friends do. My employers do. Even random strangers who only see my physical self, knowing nothing about who I really am, have expectations about who I should be. There is no way I could possibly, reasonably, fit the image they all have for me. All that is left is to determine who it is I want to be and chisel that form into existence.

If I am honest, [here I am taking a few deep breaths before reflecting] who do I want to be?

I want to be the person who is organized and highly scheduled. I want to be the person wearing color combinations that no one else thinks of. I want to be the person who fearlessly wears sculptural updos. I want to have a voice that I am not afraid to use. I want to laugh and cry freely. I want to know my purpose and strive towards it daily. Most importantly, I want to be me. I don’t want to be like that successful person I just watched, nor like that family member, nor that friend who is crushing it in her business. I want to honor and value my personal unique gifts and use them unapologetically. [end reflection time.]

There is some clarity there, but I still need to do the work to build the best version of myself. For too long I have been overly anxious, walking about tentatively less I disappoint someone else. I even changed the way that I dressed, walked, and talked in order make other people satisfied. What will satisfy me?

I hope that as I write this on a day focused on fooling others, you will also take some time to ensure you are not also fooling yourself and working hard to be someone you’re not and never wanted to be.