I laid on the floor stretching and at ease, which left me vulnerable to the attack from that thought: What am I afraid of?
I’ve been holding off on building towards the life that I want. Truthfully, that inaction is most evident in the ways I hold back from building the single days that I want. When I think of writing a to-do list, I then think otherwise. “I can get it done. I don’t need to write it down.” I previously thought it was because I wanted to be a go-getter, one of those people who just gets after things. Obviously, their motivation is so high they don’t need lists to keep them on track. I thought I should be like them. I’m starting to get suspicious that what was holding me back was not this innocent sense of comparison. It’s fear.
If I write a to-do list or plan out a schedule, I have created evidence of the things I should be doing, which is a marker then of all the ways I would have failed at the end. I would see the time blocks I missed and the items that never got checked off. I would have to admit my shortcomings, and that was not something I wanted to do. So I did nothing instead.
As I wrote previously, step 1 for me is getting desensitized to the pain of failure. It is recognizing that is okay if I can’t do it all, but I still have to try. There is more on the other side of failure. There is something to learning my limits in these small ways and still coming back the next day with big ideas ready to try again. Building out my schedule and to-do lists is going to be my way taking a valiant effort, wherever that may lead.
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